I Don't Want To Move!
How To Minimize Traumatic Impacts For Your Teenager When Moving To A New Environment

What was going on, why such a powerful reaction ?

As a parent, we all face daily reminders of what it was like to be a child or a teenager: unsure of ourselves, dependent on our friends, the clique to hang out with…. Everything seemed either black or white, we were in a stage when our self – esteem and our feelings were like a roller coaster. Pretty turbulent times. The chaos of moods and feelings was overwhelming, we were changing every minute and did not know how to figure out what was going on.

Teenagers go through a lot of changes: the physical appearance changes, the hormones are in imbalance, the brain’s development is not yet finished. Scientific research has shown, that in an adolescent’s brain the anterior front part of the brain which is responsible for thought and anticipation, planning and goal-directed behaviour is less active than it is in adults. In contrast to that, the inferior or lower part of the brain which is associated with emotion and gut responses is more active compared with adults. The activity of this two parts of the brain are not yet balanced as they are later in adults. This is one reason why teens show increased emotional response. And at the same time they may not be able to label expression of emotions in others correctly, because of this “imbalance” in the brain’s activity.

Being confronted with so many changes and with all inside being “upside down”, teenagers strongly feel everything on the outside and around should stay the same as it always has been!

In a situation like this the news of moving to a strange place is just one more roller coaster ride too many. Suddenly the familiar structure and frame of reference changes. This is scary. A total sense of panic or loss of self control may set in.

That’s exactly what my daughter and son went through. And they reacted strongly to the news they were confronted with. All the fear of losing their friends and the fear of the future had to come out and be somehow communicated. This is the way they each chose to make me understand. There are numerous other ways depending on the level of fear, the teenager’s personality or age. Some may withdraw for many days, try to bargain on deadlines, say they will never ever move, or they want to stay with a friend’s family.

How parents feel and what they can do to ease the situation

Still today I can feel the pain and guilt to see my daughter crying for hours and my son going wild. The worst thing was, in that moment I had no effective means of communication with them. I was just feeling so helpless.

In situations like this we are suddenly confronted with a flood of feelings and emotions in our child and ourselves and do not know how to handle it all. We want to get out of this helpless situation quickly. We try to console and soothe, we try to persuade or talk reason. And we experience that none of this really helps. On the contrary it can make us and the child feel even more helpless.

You can be more in control of a situation like this, if you understand, accept and respect the child’s and your own feelings. To be able to do so it is best to prepare yourself for the actual scenario way in advance. You can visualise your own and your child’s possible reaction . Try to imagine what feelings and emotions are triggered in your teenager with this circumstance and how you can enhance your abilities to deal with the situation. This way you can prepare the ground for communicating feelings openly . You will be in the position to communicate to your teenager that you understand what they are going through and that you yourself feel somewhat overwhelmed at times like this too. You will be able to send out an important message: “I can feel with you and I am here whenever you are ready to talk”. The Empathy you show will help to ease the situation considerably.

How well your child can overcome the strong feelings of panic and confusion during this initial stage depends on you allowing your child enough time and support to go through those feelings and express them openly.

The next stage which follows is usually the “I am so sad” stage which might even carry on to the new place you move to.

While still in your home country make sure to allow enough time for your teenager to say goodbye to friends and family members. Have as many little farewell parties as possible. Be sure to create an environment where you can put in a lot of interesting information about the new destination in a fun way.

Videos or games are a good source. Make it interesting, focus on personal growth possibilities, so that friends would like to come and visit your teenager there and invite them to do so. This way you can create a sense of security for your teenager. You communicate in a very practical way that you want your child to keep the contact with dear friends and family members.

Try to plan a visit in advance to the new country with your child and make sure to involve your teenager in planing the trip. Find out what your teen might be interested in. Find a possibility to let your child take part in a day at the prospect school. Talk to the teachers at the new school to find a student with whom your teenager could start communicating via chat or e-mail way before the actual move. This way you are facilitating a much smoother transition and helping your teenager to be able to adapt quickly to the new surrounding. A sense of a country which is already somehow familiar makes moving for your teenager much easier. Another advantage is that your child feels already connected or accepted into the new school environment before the actual move is happening.

Encourage your teenager to find out about web sites which are addressing expatriate issues and skim through it to see if there are other teenagers who have reports or articles written about their situation. They can get in contact and find out more about what the impacts are when moving and how to deal with all their confusion from a source which is much closer to their hearts

All the above can be done while the family is still in their familiar environment. The basic rule is to encourage as much active involvement as possible from your child.

And if all of this does not help ? Well, from my own experience I can only encourage you to really be patient and do not give up. Perceive it as a signal that your teenager needs more time to get their feelings sorted out, before being able to be receptive to any of your efforts. The statement that you are there for them and are empathetic will ultimately get through and make a huge difference.

Once you have actually moved to your new surrounding, your teenager might still be in the “I am so sad” stage. This may ease very quickly, depending on how well the preparation went while all of you were still at home and how much they could feel your empathy for their feelings.

And teenagers are generally quite curious, they “want to know”. They will very soon explore the new country and try to make friends within and outside the expatriate group. And by doing so they are sometimes faced with many challenges. They may not know much about the laws, culture or customs of the host country and this may get them into all sorts of trouble when they venture beyond the expatriate community. Some countries like Germany, for example, have very strict laws on youth protection. At what time children of what age have to be home, if they are not accompanied by a parent is specified. Visits to Discos, smoking or drinking in public is regulated. So if your teenager is caught a couple of times not behaving in line with those laws the consequences can be very unpleasant. Other countries in which the laws of Islam are strictly followed upon will not tolerate open contacts between boys and girls, or drinking alcohol in public.

Make sure your children know about the laws, customs and cultural differences. The best way to do so, is to consciously encourage them to make friends with locals. Invite their friends home. Let them get together at your place and feel comfortable. When you have them over for meals you can easily talk with them about how different their living is from yours, what the rules of society are and what a foreign teenager has to be aware of. This way you can create a forum for communication and learning.

Do not give up because of language barriers, children and teenagers get over it very quickly and find many possibilities to communicate and to learn from each other. Encourage and support your children to learn the local language on a basic level, as you do for yourself.

Be aware that your child might be in a very privileged position the same way as you are, depending on which country you are in. It is easy for teenagers to feel a sense of supremacy because of this fact. And this is not exactly what you want your children to learn while abroad. A conscious and ongoing effort to teach and remind your teenager of what is important to your family is even more important when you are in a foreign country.

It is a good idea to get together with your children and jointly create a statement about your goals and values as a family and as individuals. Let your children express their views and needs in the different areas like school, leisure time, staying out and commitments to family life. Do the same for yourself. Teach them to match their goals and wishes with what is really important to them. They clearly need your guidance. Do this on a regular basis and be prepared that this is a process. The important part is that it helps you to keep communication lines open with your child. You can create a safe environment for all family members where each member is respected with their uniqueness and is welcomed to contribute to a healthy and sustainable family life.
Give responsibility to your children and demand commitment from them for running the “family business” smoothly. This is even more important while you live abroad.
Stay focused on encouraging your children to take as much responsibility as possible for their own well being, no matter their age or the surrounding they might be in.